There's 109 days to go now until the wedding. I know I'm going freak when the countdown gets less than 100 days...well, freak might be too strong a word, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, on to my main topic...Stuff. I love stuff - not just any stuff, though. Mostly I like stuff for my house - it's all about creating a homey environment, a mood, a comfy, friendly place to be... but you shouldn't really need stuff to be able to do that ... should you? This is all coming to mind right now because 1) I'm getting married, and realizing 'my' stuff will become 'our' stuff... and 2) My fiance and I are taking a Crown Financial Class to help us overcome a big issue in marriage (and one of the factors each of our previous marriages ended) - money, finances, stuff! And I realized I have this obsession, for lack of a better word, about my stuff. Maybe obsession isn't really the right concept, but possession... It's not that I go out regularly to acquire more stuff...it's not that I've ever really been without stuff (although the threat or potential of not having stuff was there)... it's just that I'm realizing, I consider it 'my' stuff, and I want to possess it, and hang on to it - but at what cost and why?
I'm not sure when my possessiveness began. It could have been when I was in late grade school or junior high when my Dad went into business with a guy who basically turned out to be a crook. My parents had invested everything into this business, including putting up our possessions as collateral. In the end, my Dad had to get out of his partnership with this guy...there was no more money... and strangers came to the house to take our 'stuff.' ... I clearly remember hearing my Mom ask, "You're not taking the kids' toys, are you?" The answer was No... but there was such desperation in my Mom's voice, such heartbreak in the question. She was losing everything - that was OK, but she couldn't bear her children losing 'their everything.' Maybe that's when possessions became so valuable to me... or maybe it was seeing my friends able to buy homes, cars, furniture seeminly whenever they wanted too, while I had to wait for years. Like the 10 years I waited for new living room furniture. Now, while I was waiting I wasn't without furniture - I was never without furniture, or a roof over my head, or even a car to drive - although I had some cars that I didn't want people to know were mine! Still - I've never actually been without - I'm just scared to death that I might be without. The thought I might be that greedy is driving me nuts...and I'm not happy with myself about it.
Then to add to my angst, my fiance and I are hoping to buy a home. Certainly not anything grand, but a house with at least three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms - and hope that somewhere in there I can find a spot to scrapbook... but even our combined incomes don't really amount to what they say you should make to qualify to buy in Southern California - and in order to take advantage of the 'first time buyer' programs, the lenders say it's better to just go with his income (since I owned a home with my first husband). I have an appointment to look at houses with the realtor next week, sounds good, huh? But in the meantime, he's having to work on some apparently long-overdue medical co-pays which occurred when his first marriage was ending and either he wasn't aware of them or forgot about them or something... and it may jeopardize our chances of qualifying for an interest rate we can afford. The best option is to pay them off (a total of about $1,000) ... but that's one more 'thousand dollars' on top of the other 'thousand dollars' we're trying to come up with. It's tough...we're both stressed... and wondering how we will overcome...
Then the memory verse for this week's Crown class begins with, Everything in the Heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything.... So, I'm praying not that God will take us out of this but that he will bring us through this... It's a hard prayer for me to pray... I ask you to pray it with me....
No comments:
Post a Comment