There are Some Days...

...and this is one of them. I've blogged several times about the relationship with my stepchildren. Most of the time I have tried to blog about the good days and the victories.
Today's post is not about a victory. My now 18-year-old stepson was 11 when I met his dad, 14 when I married his dad and we have always had a good relationship. He was the one I bonded with first, and for the most part the one I've felt the closest relationship. But about a year ago, it's like he turned a corner and everything changed. One day he was the way he had always been ... and the next day he was this all-attitude-chip-on-his-shoulder-questioning-everything-teenager. We have had some difficult days in the last year. Twice, because of his attitude, we have sent him away from our house to stay with his mom (who lives in the same town). Twice we have allowed him to return to our home - with the understanding that his attitude needs to change if he wants to continue living here.
In all honesty, I can tell he's trying to 'follow the rules,' but it's like he's following the 'letter of the law,' but missing the intent of the law. And we have struggled... Yesterday, I felt I had reached the end of my rope in coping with his trying to go over, around, or through the rules instead of just accepting them. Maybe that's just too hard for a teenage boy these days... I don't know. I was upset anyway. I talked to his dad...his dad and I tried talking to him...again. I could tell from his posture that he wasn't going to listen to anything we had to say... that he felt our restrictions on him were unjustified... that he felt we were being unfair - and for a brief moment I almost changed my mind about having the conversation at all, but by now, his dad was all into the discussion.
I kept my words short. I kept my anger in check. I kept my voice soft. But what he heard was if he broke one more rule, he'd be asked to leave again. 'Don't worry about it,' he shouted. 'I'll leave tonight.' 'You're always on my case and in my face.' 'I don't care anymore...' and with that he got up, packed some clothes in a backpack and stormed out the door. His dad said, 'Be careful.' He said, 'Thanks for nothing.' And the door slammed shut.
My heart is aching right now. Aching for him. Aching for his dad. Aching for me. That's not what we wanted. Not what we planned. When is the time to let go? How do you accept that you've done all you can do, and now it's up to them? How do you know?
There are some days...

Thursdays with Ali

Thursdays have become my new favorite day.

Thursday is the day for my online scrapbooking class, Yesterday and Today, with Ali Edwards.

It's no secret I LOVE scrapbooking. It's my passion. It's my hobby. It keeps me sane. It brings me joy. But as much as I love scrapbooking, and for as long as I've loved scrapbooking, I needed a change from scrapbooking the way I've always scrapbooked. For 18 years, I scrapbooked chronologically thinking that was the best way to tell the story of my life. In order.

But once my life changed (divorce, being single, remarried, stepmom) - chronologically didn't work anymore for me. I feel as if I have two lives - one with my children and grandchildren (who live in another state), and one with my husband and stepchildren, who live right here in my house! Legally, we're a blended family, but realistically, we seem separate. There's the separation in miles, the separation in age.

And so, I've looked for ways to blend my scrapbooking style as I'm trying to blend my family. Last year I did the Becky Higgins' Project Life (which began as Project 365). A picture a day with the journaling and/or ephemera to do along with it. Love the concept, but just taking the picture, writing about it (or writing about something totally random like I usually did), then plopping it into a photo pocket page - just didn't fulfill my need for creativity. Oh, sure I was 'caught up,' sorta. But I wasn't happy with the process...so, I continue searching.

Yesterday and Today with Ali Edwards may not actually be my new scrapbook style - I think that will be Stacy Julian's Library of Memories. But Ali Edwards is one of my favorite scrapbook artists, and has always inspired me with her heartfelt ... and very real storytelling.

So right now, when life is a little more challenging than usual - with forces from within and forces from without causing a lot of chaos...it's nice to steal away for an hour with my laptop and be inspired by Ali to reflect on all of life - the good and the bad, the yesterdays, todays, and maybe even some tomorrows... to feel the creative juices being stirred. Stories... my story, bubbling to the surface.

Thursdays are the best day of the week right now.

Stolen Memories...

I was actually looking for a picture of Julian when he got his first guitar. (I want to do a scrapbook layout about him still wanting to be a Rock Star... )I had narrowed the time frame to Christmas 2004 because I remembered them being in Texas and him getting a guitar for Christmas, and since they moved to Oregon in 2005 - I knew right where to look. Funny how I can remember what pictures are in what years (well, most of the time). Anyway back to my point... I grabbed one of the three albums for 2004 and started flipping through it - I knew immediately that it wasn't the right one because I was looking for the last album which had the Christmas photos. But as I was flipping through, I found a layout titled, "Stolen Memories." It's about seeing my grandsons Eric and Garrett at my niece's wedding in April 2004. Here's the journaling ...

"It's the first wedding I've attended since my own marriage ended, but it's my niece's wedding so I have to go...I was a little nervous, or maybe apprehensive is a better word, about going...they are getting married on a yacht, and being stuck on a boat with everyone - and no way to get away was an uncomfortable feeling, but what can I do? I was especially nervous knowing I would be seeing Rick and Christy. The first time since last September. Would they bring Eric and Garrett?...would they speak to me?... or just ignore me?... I guess we'll find out. I drove down with Mom and Dad and we pulled into the parking lot at the same time as Rick and Christy - so here goes. When they saw me, they said, "Hi,"... I said, "Hi," and then I took a chance and walked over to speak to the boys who were already in the stroller by the time I walked the short distance. Eric, at 5, remembers who I am and was happy to see me. But even Garrett, who will be two next month, recognized me and gave me a big smile. Rick and Christy quickly started walking toward the dock and there was no way we could really keep up, but both Eric and Garrett kept turning around in the stroller trying to get another glimpse of Ma-Deiga. As hard as it was to endure, it made my heart sing to know that they were as happy to see me as I was to see them! After the initial hello, Rick and Christy pretty much ignored me the rest of the afternoon. While waiting to board the yacht, I did ask Rick if I could take Eric and Garrett's picture. He said, yes - but they had to stay in the stroller. Christy just rolled her eyes and walked away I guess - since she's not in the background. (Oh, yea, being on a boat with them will be fun!) I talked to the boys for awhile and then not wanting to make it any more uncomfortable, I talked to other guests as they arrived. After the ceremony, while we were waiting for the wedding party to finish taking pictures, and before eating lunch, mom and I sneak a few photos of them blowing bubbles. Eric would peek around Rick, blow bubbles, and at one point said, "I was waiting to blow bubbles until you took my picture, Ma-Deiga." I wanted to tell him sh-h-h, don't let mommy and daddy know you are talking to me they might move you away, but I couldn't do that...I wanted to hold them, give them hugs and kisses - but I couldn't do that either...it's such a sad situation on a happy day. But at least I got to see them, and talk to them a little and secretly take a few photos...stolen memories. (aren't they adorable?)"

I didn't consciously remember that story -until I saw it on the scrapbook page. And, isn't that why we (I) scrapbook? To remember the days - good or bad, and moments which make up our lives. (And who knows, maybe one day Eric and Garrett will look me up and come see me and I can show them this scrapbook page and they will know that I tried whenever I could to be with them.)

September 23, 2010

(the body of this post was actually written on September 20, while I was on the airplane flying from California to Oregon)
I Am: On Horizon Airlines flight 7548, flying from Ontario, California to Portland, Oregon to visit Michael and Melinda and to celebrate Bevan's 13th birthday...
I Remember: The first time I took a flight to celebrate Bevan's birthday, September 1998, your first birthday. I flew from Ontario, California to Lexington, Kentucky (where you were living with Noni and Granddad). How could 12 more years have passed since then? So many things have changed ...

* East Coast vs. West Coast (2 hour flight in the same time zone as opposed to 5-1/2 hour flight in multiple time zones.)
* You were the only grandchild, now there are four kids in your family.
* I was still married to your grandpa (but that marriage ended 7 years ago, and I've been married to Ron Bennett for the last 3 years.
* Then I was very nervous (terrified is a better word) about flying. I had everyone praying with me for a guardian angel to keep calm. The prayers worked and God did provide the calming presence I needed. Thankfully in the years (and birthday trips) which have passed, I have grown very comfortable with flying - though I still pray for safekeeping and peace.

One thing hasn't changed: The thrill I feel each time I'm on a trip to visit you. You changed my life when you were born. I thought I had experienced the greatest joy and love when my own kids were born, but there is something even more special about grandchildren.

Happy 13th Birthday, Bevan! I am so happy I get to be with you to celebrate!

Church Family...

A church home...a church family...something I guess I've always taken for granted because I've always had one. Matthew (and Sarah and Aaron) have not. Oh, they've gone to church pretty regularly but not to the same church and not long enough to cultivate relationship, friendship, that sense of family and support you find when those relationships are made. So it was eye-opening when a few weeks ago Matthew said, "It's kinda cool to go to the same church all the time - where people know you." Then yesterday after church, he helped wash dishes after the teen fund-raiser lunch. (OK, he didn't volunteer to help, but he still helped). Afterwards, he said "I actually have a friend at church. Not just one you say, 'hey, what's up,' but we really talk..." It goes right along with what Ron and I have been reading in the Purpose Driven Life Book, God designed us to be part of a church family. Now I see from a new perspective how important it is.

Things aren't as they appear...

Early Tuesday morning, August 24, 2010... at 4:00 a.m., I wake up to Ron's alarm going off. I reach over to wake him up, but he's not there. I look in the bathroom - nothing. I look in both boys' bedrooms - they are sound asleep but no sign of their dad. I go downstairs, he's not on the couch, or at the desk. I feel around in the predawn darkness for his cell phone - it's gone... I look in the garage, empty except for my car. I go outside, the driveway is empty, his car is gone... when I come back in and go back upstairs to our bedroom, his wedding ring is on the dresser. At first glance it might seem like a troubled relationship...but things aren't as they appear.

Ron has trouble with his esophagus tightening up if he's really, really hungry and eats too fast. Last night, we were trying to have a nice going-away-to-college dinner with Sarah (who is going to Pepperdine tomorrow), but it's not working. She's tired, Ron's throwing up every couple of bites cuz the first two pieces of meat are lodged and not moving up or down. Sarah leaves at 8:00 p.m. Ron continues to have problems (it's never been this bad before). But just before we go to bed, (after vomiting for the 10th time) he thinks the problem has resolved itself ... I was just about to ask if he wanted to go to Urgent Care, but when he said he thought he was OK. Well, I didn't ask...

So, when I couldn't find him this morning -there was a brief moment of panic and then I figured he probably drove himself to the ER. Why didn't he wake me up? He thought I would be too sleepy from my sleeping medicine the night before and he would be in better shape to drive than I would plus I have to take the kids to school. Still it would have been nice to at least wake me up!

I tried calling the hospital, but had trouble getting through until around 6:00 a.m. when my alarm went off. Sure enough, he was there. They were going to sedate him to remove the two pieces of bar-b-qued rib from his esophagus. I would need to come pick him up because he wouldn't be able to drive. I got there just as they were about to begin...it only took about 30 minutes and then he was awake enough for me to see him. CRAZY!!

But the empty bed, the wedding ring on the dresser, the car gone - things are not as they appear most of the time...

Wuv, Tru Wuv

Ron and I had watched The Princess Bride Saturday night - so, 'wuv, tru wuv' was on our minds. Then last night, we're sitting around the dining table talking to Aaron and Matthew and in the course of the conversation we find out that the parents of one of Matthew's friends is getting a divorce. (The guy was having an affair, just 'wasn't interested' in his wife anymore. Now, after many years of marriage and 5 kids, he's not interested anymore ...pah-leese!) Anyway, we kinda talked about what true love is, that the warm-fuzzy-lusting-feelings can and will come and go in a long relationship, BUT true love, real love does last forever and is what marriage is really all about. The kids seemed to understand...

A little later, Matthew came downstairs while I was watching TV and he said, "It just dawned on me. All of my friends parents are divorced now. It's like an epidemic." He paused, "But it won't happen to you..." "No," I assured him. "It won't happen to us." It's such a sad commentary on life right now for so many people. How desperately we need to pray for the protection of our marriages, pray for the future wives and husbands for our children. Satan is having his way right now, and people are suffering, lives are shattered. But ...

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... So tweasure your wuv. (from the movie, The Princess Bride)