Listening...

I did a lot of listening today. Some talking, but mostly listening. And what great conversations I had with four of my grandsons, who live in Portland, Oregon, and with my two stepsons, who live with me (and their Dad, of course).
My youngest stepson, Matthew, is on the freshman football team at Redlands High School. They had a game today and he didn't get to play one play, not one. He's played football since he was 7 years old (with Junior All American Football), where everyone gets a chance to play in every game. Last year, he was at the top of his game, and played almost every play. This year, it's kinda like starting at the bottom again, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't get to play more. He's at practice every day, and even went to the summer camp (although he missed 10 days for a vacation with his friends). But, this is High School football, and it's not about what's fair, it's all about winning, all the time... It was hard for him to stand on the sidelines... it was hard for me to watch him stand on the sidelines... He didn't want to talk about it much, so we tried to talk about other things going on at school, but the conversation always came around to football, and the game, and life isn't fair...
While my stepsons have been back at school for almost a month, up in Oregon where my grandkids live, they started just this week. So, I called them to see how the new school year was going.

Sweet and Romantic...

As of yesterday, November 1, Ron and I have been married four months. Other than the rent being due on the 1st of each month, having the 1st as your anniversary day is great. It's so easy to remember! And on the first day of each month, on our anniversary day, Ron brings home a card and a little surprise! It blows my mind ... when he did that on August 1, our one month anniversary, and told me his plan was to bring me a surprise every 1st, I wondered if he'd really remember and keep that romantic little tradition going - but as of month number 4, he has! The first month I got a card, and a cute little guardian angel. Month number 2, an azaela plant (as a symbol of our love, we can watch the plant grow as our love grows...oh, my...) Month number 3, he didn't want to be left out of the 'love' plant, so he bought another flower (a rose this time) so we can have his 'n hers flowers in the flower bed. Is this romantic guy my husband?! ... Yes, he has a very romantic side, he just gets a little embarassed if anyone knows. Anyway yesterday, month number 4, he comes home with a gift bag, inside is a beautiful 'angel couple' figurine. We discovered this little shop when we went to dinner last week, and he decided it was his new favorite store (and they don't even sell fishing or sports equipment!)... He discovered a whole collection of these angels and fell in love with them.

There are Some Days...

...and this is one of them. I've blogged several times about the relationship with my stepchildren. Most of the time I have tried to blog about the good days and the victories.
Today's post is not about a victory. My now 18-year-old stepson was 11 when I met his dad, 14 when I married his dad and we have always had a good relationship. He was the one I bonded with first, and for the most part the one I've felt the closest relationship. But about a year ago, it's like he turned a corner and everything changed. One day he was the way he had always been ... and the next day he was this all-attitude-chip-on-his-shoulder-questioning-everything-teenager. We have had some difficult days in the last year. Twice, because of his attitude, we have sent him away from our house to stay with his mom (who lives in the same town). Twice we have allowed him to return to our home - with the understanding that his attitude needs to change if he wants to continue living here.
In all honesty, I can tell he's trying to 'follow the rules,' but it's like he's following the 'letter of the law,' but missing the intent of the law. And we have struggled... Yesterday, I felt I had reached the end of my rope in coping with his trying to go over, around, or through the rules instead of just accepting them. Maybe that's just too hard for a teenage boy these days... I don't know. I was upset anyway. I talked to his dad...his dad and I tried talking to him...again. I could tell from his posture that he wasn't going to listen to anything we had to say... that he felt our restrictions on him were unjustified... that he felt we were being unfair - and for a brief moment I almost changed my mind about having the conversation at all, but by now, his dad was all into the discussion.
I kept my words short. I kept my anger in check. I kept my voice soft. But what he heard was if he broke one more rule, he'd be asked to leave again. 'Don't worry about it,' he shouted. 'I'll leave tonight.' 'You're always on my case and in my face.' 'I don't care anymore...' and with that he got up, packed some clothes in a backpack and stormed out the door. His dad said, 'Be careful.' He said, 'Thanks for nothing.' And the door slammed shut.
My heart is aching right now. Aching for him. Aching for his dad. Aching for me. That's not what we wanted. Not what we planned. When is the time to let go? How do you accept that you've done all you can do, and now it's up to them? How do you know?
There are some days...

Thursdays with Ali

Thursdays have become my new favorite day.

Thursday is the day for my online scrapbooking class, Yesterday and Today, with Ali Edwards.

It's no secret I LOVE scrapbooking. It's my passion. It's my hobby. It keeps me sane. It brings me joy. But as much as I love scrapbooking, and for as long as I've loved scrapbooking, I needed a change from scrapbooking the way I've always scrapbooked. For 18 years, I scrapbooked chronologically thinking that was the best way to tell the story of my life. In order.

But once my life changed (divorce, being single, remarried, stepmom) - chronologically didn't work anymore for me. I feel as if I have two lives - one with my children and grandchildren (who live in another state), and one with my husband and stepchildren, who live right here in my house! Legally, we're a blended family, but realistically, we seem separate. There's the separation in miles, the separation in age.

And so, I've looked for ways to blend my scrapbooking style as I'm trying to blend my family. Last year I did the Becky Higgins' Project Life (which began as Project 365). A picture a day with the journaling and/or ephemera to do along with it. Love the concept, but just taking the picture, writing about it (or writing about something totally random like I usually did), then plopping it into a photo pocket page - just didn't fulfill my need for creativity. Oh, sure I was 'caught up,' sorta. But I wasn't happy with the process...so, I continue searching.

Yesterday and Today with Ali Edwards may not actually be my new scrapbook style - I think that will be Stacy Julian's Library of Memories. But Ali Edwards is one of my favorite scrapbook artists, and has always inspired me with her heartfelt ... and very real storytelling.

So right now, when life is a little more challenging than usual - with forces from within and forces from without causing a lot of chaos...it's nice to steal away for an hour with my laptop and be inspired by Ali to reflect on all of life - the good and the bad, the yesterdays, todays, and maybe even some tomorrows... to feel the creative juices being stirred. Stories... my story, bubbling to the surface.

Thursdays are the best day of the week right now.

Stolen Memories...

I was actually looking for a picture of Julian when he got his first guitar. (I want to do a scrapbook layout about him still wanting to be a Rock Star... )I had narrowed the time frame to Christmas 2004 because I remembered them being in Texas and him getting a guitar for Christmas, and since they moved to Oregon in 2005 - I knew right where to look. Funny how I can remember what pictures are in what years (well, most of the time). Anyway back to my point... I grabbed one of the three albums for 2004 and started flipping through it - I knew immediately that it wasn't the right one because I was looking for the last album which had the Christmas photos. But as I was flipping through, I found a layout titled, "Stolen Memories." It's about seeing my grandsons Eric and Garrett at my niece's wedding in April 2004. Here's the journaling ...

"It's the first wedding I've attended since my own marriage ended, but it's my niece's wedding so I have to go...I was a little nervous, or maybe apprehensive is a better word, about going...they are getting married on a yacht, and being stuck on a boat with everyone - and no way to get away was an uncomfortable feeling, but what can I do? I was especially nervous knowing I would be seeing Rick and Christy. The first time since last September. Would they bring Eric and Garrett?...would they speak to me?... or just ignore me?... I guess we'll find out. I drove down with Mom and Dad and we pulled into the parking lot at the same time as Rick and Christy - so here goes. When they saw me, they said, "Hi,"... I said, "Hi," and then I took a chance and walked over to speak to the boys who were already in the stroller by the time I walked the short distance. Eric, at 5, remembers who I am and was happy to see me. But even Garrett, who will be two next month, recognized me and gave me a big smile. Rick and Christy quickly started walking toward the dock and there was no way we could really keep up, but both Eric and Garrett kept turning around in the stroller trying to get another glimpse of Ma-Deiga. As hard as it was to endure, it made my heart sing to know that they were as happy to see me as I was to see them! After the initial hello, Rick and Christy pretty much ignored me the rest of the afternoon. While waiting to board the yacht, I did ask Rick if I could take Eric and Garrett's picture. He said, yes - but they had to stay in the stroller. Christy just rolled her eyes and walked away I guess - since she's not in the background. (Oh, yea, being on a boat with them will be fun!) I talked to the boys for awhile and then not wanting to make it any more uncomfortable, I talked to other guests as they arrived. After the ceremony, while we were waiting for the wedding party to finish taking pictures, and before eating lunch, mom and I sneak a few photos of them blowing bubbles. Eric would peek around Rick, blow bubbles, and at one point said, "I was waiting to blow bubbles until you took my picture, Ma-Deiga." I wanted to tell him sh-h-h, don't let mommy and daddy know you are talking to me they might move you away, but I couldn't do that...I wanted to hold them, give them hugs and kisses - but I couldn't do that either...it's such a sad situation on a happy day. But at least I got to see them, and talk to them a little and secretly take a few photos...stolen memories. (aren't they adorable?)"

I didn't consciously remember that story -until I saw it on the scrapbook page. And, isn't that why we (I) scrapbook? To remember the days - good or bad, and moments which make up our lives. (And who knows, maybe one day Eric and Garrett will look me up and come see me and I can show them this scrapbook page and they will know that I tried whenever I could to be with them.)

September 23, 2010

(the body of this post was actually written on September 20, while I was on the airplane flying from California to Oregon)
I Am: On Horizon Airlines flight 7548, flying from Ontario, California to Portland, Oregon to visit Michael and Melinda and to celebrate Bevan's 13th birthday...
I Remember: The first time I took a flight to celebrate Bevan's birthday, September 1998, your first birthday. I flew from Ontario, California to Lexington, Kentucky (where you were living with Noni and Granddad). How could 12 more years have passed since then? So many things have changed ...

* East Coast vs. West Coast (2 hour flight in the same time zone as opposed to 5-1/2 hour flight in multiple time zones.)
* You were the only grandchild, now there are four kids in your family.
* I was still married to your grandpa (but that marriage ended 7 years ago, and I've been married to Ron Bennett for the last 3 years.
* Then I was very nervous (terrified is a better word) about flying. I had everyone praying with me for a guardian angel to keep calm. The prayers worked and God did provide the calming presence I needed. Thankfully in the years (and birthday trips) which have passed, I have grown very comfortable with flying - though I still pray for safekeeping and peace.

One thing hasn't changed: The thrill I feel each time I'm on a trip to visit you. You changed my life when you were born. I thought I had experienced the greatest joy and love when my own kids were born, but there is something even more special about grandchildren.

Happy 13th Birthday, Bevan! I am so happy I get to be with you to celebrate!

Church Family...

A church home...a church family...something I guess I've always taken for granted because I've always had one. Matthew (and Sarah and Aaron) have not. Oh, they've gone to church pretty regularly but not to the same church and not long enough to cultivate relationship, friendship, that sense of family and support you find when those relationships are made. So it was eye-opening when a few weeks ago Matthew said, "It's kinda cool to go to the same church all the time - where people know you." Then yesterday after church, he helped wash dishes after the teen fund-raiser lunch. (OK, he didn't volunteer to help, but he still helped). Afterwards, he said "I actually have a friend at church. Not just one you say, 'hey, what's up,' but we really talk..." It goes right along with what Ron and I have been reading in the Purpose Driven Life Book, God designed us to be part of a church family. Now I see from a new perspective how important it is.